Never Too Late
by Defiant.Anjeru
Summary: Barely escaping her death and loosing her mother, Hawke has no choice but to face her mortality. Unattached and desperate, Hawke seeks out the only one who can help her and proposes a shocking, life altering, arrangement. NSFW. Fem!Hawke/Anders, with a hint of Fem!Hawke/Sebastian.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Another, almost random, idea that came to mind and demanded to be written. All thoughts are appreciated! By all means, feel free to comment! I was overdue for another Anders piece – this will be finished in a couple of chapters.

**Disclaimer: **They all belong to Bioware but I like to have my fun.

* * *

"You are going to be fine Hawke."

Drenched in sweat and over tired, Hawke gave a soft nod. A sigh of relief slipped through her parched lips. She swallowed thickly and gestured for some water. After a moment of the cool, refreshing liquid, she felt a little better. With some help, she managed to get herself upright in the massive pile of pillows on her four poster bed.

"You are certain?" She croaked the question.

"Quite sure," Anders murmured as he brushed the hair back from her sweaty brow, "the danger has passed."

"Maker," she sighed, "I really thought that was it. That I'd finally run out of luck."

"Not quite yet," he chuckled. He was quick to sober up, his amber eyes holding a stern look she knew all too well. It was one she got often from this healer who'd quickly become her best friend, all those years ago when she came to Kirkwall fresh off the boat from Ferelden. "You need to be more careful, Hawke. This was a close call. You're getting a little careless...you can't just keep running into battle thinking you're going to come out unscathed."

"I know, I'll try to be more careful." She grinned cheekily and held up her pinky. "Promise."

Seemingly satisfied, Anders began to go over what it was she needed to do in his absence. Hawke couldn't bring herself to listen, not when she was a mess inside; this could have been it. She had literally been inches away from Death's door. It was all such a blur, but that she remembered. After barely being healed after the Arishok's blade impaled her, she'd developed a raging infection from the remnants of the wound. An infection that had fought Anders inch for inch, almost successful in it's attempt to claim her.

She lifted the tankard of water Anders had brought her, her hands trembling. She was the last living member of the Hawke family line and she had nearly joined the rest in the afterlife. She'd seen the light, heard her loved one's voices; then she'd been jerked back into her body, forever changed.

Something had to change, she knew that much.

She just wasn't sure what that something was. Yet.

* * *

Hawke fidgeted nervously outside the door to Anders' Darktown clinic. Maker, mortality or not, this was a horrible idea. Why she had even decided upon it was beyond her, but she wasn't going to die without this happening. Considering what had happened a couple of weeks ago, that time could very well be limited. The qunari threat may have been quelled but she knew that they hadn't been the real threat; the real threat was forever brewing, if Anders' continued rumors were even the tiniest bit true. Her life had to change, somehow, and this was the course she'd decided upon – she _had _to do this, and her best friend was the only one she knew would help her.

She gathered the courage to knock but when she went to do so, the door opened and Anders appeared. His dark brows rose and he looked genuinely surprised to see her on his stoop. "Hawke? It's late, what are you doing here?" He took a look around and then grabbed her hand to pull her into the safety of his clinic. He shut the door behind them and leaned against it, his gaze level and assessing.

"How did you know I was here?" She bit her lip and wrung her hands nervously.

He frowned as if his answer made him uneasy, shrugging his shoulders. "You are a mage, like I. Justice is a being of the Fade and, even as warped as he is now, he can feel the threads that connect you and I to the Fade. I felt you outside."

"Oh I see."

"Why are you here?" He lowered his voice, whispering almost angrily. "The Templars have been snooping around here, Hawke. It's not safe. Didn't you promise me you were going to start being more careful?"

She bit her lip again and nodded. "I...needed to talk to you."

"This couldn't wait until the morrow?"

"No," she shook her head adamantly; that would mean talking to him with the others in earshot. She needed to talk to him alone. She would be mortified if this were done in public. "I needed to speak with you alone. It's important."

His lips pressed together, brows furrowing in concern. He came toward her and cupped her shoulders in his calloused palms. "What is it Hawke? Is everything alright?"

_Now or never Hawke. Here goes nothing. _

"I need a favor," she whispered, wringing her hands.

"You know I would do anything for you, Hawke."

"Iwantachild," she breathed out in a rush. When he stared at her blankly, she sighed and repeated herself softly, "I want a child."

His brows nearly jumped into his hairline and his jaw slackened. "A child?" She nodded and he pulled back, folding his arms over his chest. "Why now?"

"It is as you said Anders. The way I'm living my life, it is only a matter of time before something happens to me. I've always wanted a family," she breathed nervously, "I've always wanted to be a mother. But I have no one, no love, and I'm running out of time. All I have is you – I don't want to make a child with a stranger. I know you were in love with Bethany and, honestly, it is a bit cruel for me to ask you to help me in this, but...please, Anders. It has to be you."

To say he looked shocked would have been an understatement. He rubbed the back of his head, obviously uncomfortable. "Hawke... listen – I'm not exactly a fit parent...you should wait for someone who is, someone who loves you. I mean, I do love you Hawke – as a friend. Bethany was..."

"I know," Hawke sighed. She lifted her eyes to his and reached out to take his hand with her's. "You're a good person, Anders. I've always seen it in you, whether or not you believe it anymore. You wouldn't have to be a father, if that isn't what you wanted, or if you think your presence would only make things worse. But please, I have no one else. My family is all gone and this is something I need."

He shuddered and shut his eyes, inhaling a steadying breath. "Hawke..."

"Please, Anders."

"Are you certain this is what you want?..."

"Aye," she trembled anxiously.

"You cannot take this back, Hawke."

"I know."

He took his hand from hers and cupped her cheek in his palm. He looked almost sad, but she knew she couldn't go back now. She had come too far to turn back. Anders was a good man and the only one she could even consider to do this; she didn't want a stranger and there was no one she knew better than Anders.

"You know I can deny you nothing. Come," he took her hand again and tugged her after him.

_You can't go back now Hawke. Maker..._her subconscious glared at her the entire length of her trek to the back of Anders' clinic, where his meager bedroom lay in wait. Hawke tramped her down stubbornly as Anders took her in his arms and kissed her soundly. It wasn't unpleasant. It was quite nice actually and she felt herself responding, even if it felt somewhat awkward. She disentangled herself and took a step back, deftly undoing the ties to her robes. The material slid from her shoulders and then down her arms, before it pooled on the floor at her feet. Her bit her lip as his warm gaze took in her naked form, Hawke having forgone any undergarments in hopes that he would agree.

"I know I'm not who you want –" she knew all too well that he had fallen for her sister before she had perished in the deep roads, " – if it makes it easier, you could pretend I am someone else..."

He put his finger against her lips, his expression reproachful. "I don't need to pretend you are anyone but you Hawke. You're beautiful." She trembled and nodded. His fingers went to the snaps of his coat, undoing them one by one. He laid the coat on the nearby chair and then sat to slowly unlace his boots. Next came his shirt and soon, he was left in nothing but his breeches and his socks(oddly enough she took a moment to realize those said socks had holes in them). It touched her that he was willing to do this for her. Trembling, she reached out for him and he came willingly into her arms. He scooped her into his own and carried her to the bed where he laid her carefully.

He moved to undo the laces of his breeches, but he froze and gave her a cautious, wary look. "This is your last chance to change your mind Hawke."

"I can't." She swallowed and brushed his hands away gently, undoing the laces herself. "This is something I need to do."

"As you wish." He gulped as she helped him remove his breeches. Then his small clothes until they were both kneeling on the bed, facing each other, completely nude. He took in a deep breath, reaching out his hand to cup her cheek. "Ready?" Hawke nodded and he laid her back, kissing her gently. His hand brushed across her neck and down her chest, before gently enfolding her breast. She bit her lip, biting back a moan against his lips as his calloused fingers touched and brushed over her sensitive nipples.

His lips followed and smoothed down her slim neck. Her hands gripped his shoulders as she trembled, his other hand sliding down across her slim abdomen, before slipping between her thighs to brush against her sex. She nearly jumped from her skin, suddenly feeling awkward to be here; this was her friend.

_Don't you dare wimp out Hawke. _

"Want me to keep going?" He breathed against the swell of her breast. Her nipple budded in awareness and she nodded, biting her lip. He hesitated a moment but then nodded. His palm brushed against her clitoris and she let her head fall back as a moan slid free from her lips. He did it again, then again, and soon she was eagerly pushing herself against his hand, all awkwardness evaporating in the wake of her desire. He dipped two fingers into her, caressing at her walls, making her keen with pleasure. Soft thrusts prepared her for what was coming as he laved her nipples warmly with his tongue, teeth tugging at the budded peaks.

He listed his head, his gaze warm and assessing. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be," she breathed on a shudder.

He took his fingers from her and dipped his body into the cradle of her hips. His head dipped back down to tease her breasts as the head of his length brushed against her clitoris, before gently probing between her lips in a shallow dip. She shuddered and gripped his shoulders, arching her body against his. He didn't wait any longer; suddenly he was filling her in one sharp, quick thrust and she cried out, clutching at him as she to his invasion. Mindful of her, he began with shallow, teasing thrusts making her more eager by the moment.

"I'm okay," she gasped, "please."

He paused a moment, then thrust deep making her moan loudly. Then he was kissing her as he started with a more vigorous rhythm. In and out, faster and then harder, and she responded as if he were truly her lover and not just a friend doing her a favor. Her nails bit into his back as she wrapped her legs around his hips, holding him to her and bringing her body angling up to accept his every thrust. She didn't want him to stop. He was stirring something within her she'd long forgotten, but that wasn't what she'd come for; she wanted a child, she reminded herself even as the pleasure heightened to the point where thinking coherently was becoming nearly impossible.

His calloused hands cupped her breasts as they reached for their peaks, thrust eager and fast, hard and mind boggling in their pleasure. She went eagerly toward the precipice, biting down on his neck as she gave in. She came apart around him. Head back, she cried out, her walls clenching down on him like a vice as it bathed his length in her sweet, almost cleansing, release. He groaned, thrust hard a time or two more, and then he too came apart, spilling his seed within her to forever brand her and, hopefully, gift her for the thing she longed for most.

Together, they fell to the bed. He sighed softly, pressed a kiss to her hair, and brought the covers around them to cover their nude flesh. Now that the act was over, she was once again self conscious and feeling awkward. She wondered if she should just leave but, exhausted and uncertain, she just allowed herself to drift off to sleep in his bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **You guys seriously know how to make a girl's day. My initial thought process behind adding in Anders' love for Bethany was this – I needed a way to proceed that made it so he wasn't entirely into Hawke. In the game, no matter if you're sweet or an ass, he'll still try to get with you – this was my solution, for now. Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments!

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns the toys. I'm just playing.

* * *

"Hawke is pregnant. Before you ask how it is that I know, I am a mage and, even if my healing magic is lacking, I can still sense it." Merrill paused as the majority of those at the table choked on their perspective drinks. She fidgeted as all eyes swung to her, silence prevailing over the table as all those assembled waited. "By the Dread Wolf, why are you all staring at me so? It isn't as if I know who the father is although it is – "

"Daisy," Varric interjected softly, a grin playing at the corner of his lips. "It's not that we expect you to know. You just kind of..." He waved his hand, at a loss for words to explain what it was that had just occurred. To think, Varric – the grandmaster of all tales – speechless. It made her giggle.

"Oh I know it is surprising, it surprised me too, not something I wasn't expecting to be sure – but a baby! Can you believe it, a baby!" She sighed almost wistfully, ignoring the nearby scowl of a moody elf.

"I wasn't aware Hawke was...involved with anyone." Fenris muttered the words as he leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his lean chest.

"Frankly broody, who Hawke is involved with isn't our business unless she makes it our business."

"Varric's right," Sebastian sighed. His lips pressed together thinly in a pensive frown. "Though it isn't like Hawke to keep something this important from us."

"Anders knows," Aveline supplied sternly. "He's her confidante and healer. He would have to know."

Merrill gasped. "You don't think that Anders could be the one who fathered the baby, do you?"

"Merrill!"

"The abomination?" The idea seemed to infuriate Fenris, his hand clenching around his tankard so tightly it dented inward. "Surely Hawke wouldn't stoop so low as him."

"Fenris," Sebastian leveled a reproachful stare on the elf, "that is rather uncalled for, isn't it? Anders is troubled, aye, but he does have a good heart." Fenris scoffed but for once kept himself from further bashing the mage. "In the end, it is the Maker who decides those of us who are worthy and those of us who aren't."

"Choir Boy might have a point, felonious as it is – the point is this, broody: what Hawke does and who she does it with, isn't our business." Varric shrugged his shoulder, one burly, calloused hand stroking across Bianca thoughtfully. "Although I admit, I am curious as a nug myself."

"You needn't be," Hawke admonished from the doorway.

They all turned their bodies toward the door where Hawke and Anders were now standing. Hawke's brow rose and they all had the good grace to look ashamed; some more than others. She and Anders moved into the room as the pause lengthened uncomfortably. Anders pulled out a chair for her and she nodded her thanks, seating herself on the edge. Once he was certain she was comfortable, Anders turned a reprimanding eye to the others seated around the table.

"You shouldn't gossip about Hawke in such a way," he snapped. Hawke laid her hand on his arm and he settled some, though it was clear to all those present that he was a little more than irritated. "She was waiting but I guess now is as good a time as any since you're all so curious."

"Anders, really, it's okay. I'm sure if Merrill got knocked up, I'd be dying of curiosity myself." Hawke chuckled while Merrill blushed red to the tips of her ears. "I was waiting to tell everyone until I was certain it would take. After what happened with the Arishok...well, I'm sure being impaled on his blade didn't exactly merit well for any future children."

"You are pregnant then?" Fenris scowled while Hawke rolled her eyes. She'd heard most, if not all, of their fevered conversation since Merrill had blurted out her predicament. Fenris was definitely not in favor of this, though she didn't see why not.

"I am," she admitted, "and Anders is the father."

That was all it took for all eyes to swing from her to where Anders stood beside her. He kept his shoulders back and face as stoic as he was able, but Hawke could feel him bristling beneath their stares – some shocked, some judging, and others a mix of curiosity and shock.

"You and Anders are together then?" Merrill gasped in delight.

Hawke grimaced; this was where it was going to get tricky. She hadn't exactly thought of how to tell everyone when she'd gone to Anders with her favor. "It's not like...that," she muttered after a moment as she wrung her hands in her lap.

"A one night stand then?" Varric supplied the next question, one that made Hawke flush red with embarrassment.

"You could say that..."

"Unless you tell us exactly what it is that's going on here, I'm sure the wild stories are just going to keep coming. You know how we like to fill in the blanks."

"Oh aye, Varric. I know all too well," Hawke chuckled.

"Well then oh glorious leader – do tell."

Hawke bit her lip and fidgeted nervously. "It's well...a favor."

"A favor!" Fenris growled. "He knocked you up as a favor? Why would you ask him to...to...?" He trailed off with a scowl, forcing himself to stop before he said something he couldn't take back out of spite. Which he did often enough.

"I almost died Fenris. I...witnessed things I cannot explain and..."

"It changed you," Sebastian supplied for her.

She nodded softly and placed a hand over her slightly extended abdomen. "Anders is my best friend. I trust him and it was I who came to him with this. I want a child. I do not want to be the last of my line." She sighed softly, brushing her thumb across where her baby lay, growing every second. "My mother would have wanted this for me."

"What about Anders then?" Merrill cocked her head to one side in curiosity. "Surely he wishes to raise a child he helped create?"

"I do and I will." Anders folded his arms across his chest defensively. "I do not intend to make Hawke raise our child alone. I will be there as much as she wishes me too."

Varric stroked his chin thoughtfully with his index finger and thumb. "You expect to share something of this...magnitude, and remain friends? Remain unaffected, unattached?"

"I love Hawke," Anders responded petulantly, "and, while it may not be in the way you all see fit for her, it is the truth."

"And I love Anders – we may not be _in love_, but he's done this favor for me because we love each other as friends. I wanted someone I could trust."

Aveline frowned. "If you're sure Hawke –"

"I am. Please, don't worry so much." She stood and let Anders help her step away from the table. "You wanted to know and I've told you; if you do not approve, then I cannot say anything other than this – this is my life, my body, and my decision – a decision that's already been made."

* * *

Hawke could scarcely believe her eyes. Her hands trembled as she took the swathed baby into her arms, tears running down her cheeks as she openly sobbed in joy.

"I did it."

"Aye Hawke, you did. You did great," Anders smiled and pressed a kiss to her hair. "You made a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect."

"We made her,"Hawke objected as she took his hand and pressed a kiss to his palm. "You and I, Anders." She dropped his hand and turned her gaze back to her baby, marveling at what a miracle she truly was. Bright, warm amber eyes blinked up at her curiously and a tuft of shaggy blond hair sat stop her rounded little head; Maker, she looked so much like Anders. One look and no would deny who had fathered her child.

"What's her name?" Anders finished cleaning up and came to sit beside her, gazing down at the baby with an almost awed look. She knew he had helped birth – and save – a number of children, but it had never been his own. This was something entirely new to him and she felt proud that she could make him feel this way.

Hawke smiled and drew the pad of her finger down the baby's downy cheek. "Dawn."

"It's perfect," again he pressed a kiss to her hair and stood. "I'd best let the others in or I fear heads shall roll." He waggled his brows and she couldn't help but laugh.

_Ah, Anders._

* * *

"They did _what_?"

Varric nearly cringed at the volume of Isabela's surprised and shocked screech. He grinned cheekily, making a mental note to write this little interaction down in his chronicles; it wasn't often one caught the saucy little rogue off guard. Varric wasn't going to let her forget it either. Down the line though as rubbing it in right now probably wouldn't help the situation.

"They had a baby together."

"But...they're not together?" Isabela planted her hands on her hips, brows drawn tightly over her eyes. "I thought babies came after monogamy and marriage, not out of friendships. If babies came from friendships, I'd be a mother dozens of times over."

"That's a scary thought," Varric chuckled, suppressing a shudder. Isabela was a lot of things, but a mother was not one of them as far as he could see. She was a hell of a woman, just not exactly the type you wanted as a role model to your children.

Isabela rolled her eyes and waved the comment aside. "While I enjoy being selfish, let's not focus on me shall we? What is she thinking!" Isabela threw up her hands in exasperation. "A baby! _A baby! _And with a _friend_! Who is supposed to help her?"

"Anders is I believe," Varric intoned, picking at his nail. Really, it was surprising and interesting to see Isabela reacting so...over protectively, especially since she had been gone since the attempted qunari coup.

"He plans to help raise the baby living out of Dark town?" She shuddered. "Don't get me wrong, I've had some good times in the dank part of town, but that is no place for a baby. I hope Hawke doesn't plan to let Anders take the baby to his clinic."

Varric's brow rose and he smirked. "My my, Isabela; who knew you had a mothering side."

"What? I don't know what you're talking about!" She shook her head and folded her arms beneath her more-than-ample breasts. "Hawke just clearly didn't think this through."

"By all means, go tell her that. Just let me watch; I'd love to recount the tale of the maternal champion of Kirkwall tearing out the pirate queen's eyes."

"Oh ha ha Varric. Bite my shapely ass." Isabela sighed and stroked her chin. "This damned city already has so many problems and somehow we always get dragged into every one of them. How does she plan to handle all that on top of trying to raise a baby?"

"She was lonely, Isabela." Varric shrugged and stroked Bianca thoughtfully. "She wanted something we couldn't provide for her. I understand. In the last ten years she's lost every single member of her family. She was the last of the Hawke brood."

"Broodless or not, she's going to regret this; sex with friends is hard enough to manage without fucking things up," Isabela shrugged with a shake of her head, "having a kid with a friend? Shit storm waiting to happen."

"My my, quite a portrait you paint."

"Mark my words, Varric, mark my words."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Again, thank you for all your support! All the love shown with reviews, alerts, and favorites. Again, I'm sorry I've been so busy. I'm hoping to keep up pretty well now that things are settling down.

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns Dragon Age. I'm just playing with the toys.

* * *

Anders moved into Hawke's manor shortly after Dawn was born; he still returned to the clinic to treat and help the less fortunate, but beyond that, he didn't stray much from either Hawke or his daughter's side. Isabela's prediction seemed far off the mark. Instead, Hawke and Anders seemed to be perfectly capable of remaining friends while acting as cooperative parents.

At least until Isabela started to meddle.

And Sebastian began to hang around.

* * *

Hawke tried not to let Isabela's flirting bother her but it was hard. As in 'stopping-a-qunari-invasion' hard. Or 'settle-the-Templar-mage-fued' hard. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that the pirate was hanging all over Anders while Hawke held her and his child in her arms. Their crying child. To make matters worse, Anders wasn't rebuffing her advances. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying them(or she assumed as much since he wasn't pushing her away).

"Anders dear, would you mind helping me?" She bit out the words a little more harshly than she'd intended, but watching Isabela purr and paw at him was making her irritated.

He set down his glass and raised his head from where it had been bent over his desk. Even though he had pulled his attention away from his parchment, he didn't unwind Isabela's arms from around his neck. "I'm sorry Hawke, I didn't realize she was crying."

"No of course you wouldn't," she mumbled.

"Isabela, would you mind?" He motioned for her to release him but she took it entirely differently. She sauntered up to Hawke and promptly plucked the grumpy one year old from Hawke's arms. Hawke loved her pirate friend, but Maker help her if her jaw didn't drop at the woman's audacity. Anders' did as well. They both looked on with astonishment as the pirate cooed and sang to the troubled infant, then nearly keeled over as baby Dawn fell asleep in the swinging woman's arms. "Um, thanks," Anders said after a long moment of tense silence.

"Thank you Isabela," Hawke snapped as she held out her arms for the sleeping infant.

Isabela smiled sweetly and handed over the baby. "Whatever I can do to assist _Anders _and yourself, Hawke."

Surely she hadn't imagined the emphasis on Anders' name. Frowning, Hawke turned and left the study to take the stairs up to her room where Dawn slept in a cradle nearby her own bed. Anders usually took the study but for some reason, the thought of him with Isabela where he slept was troubling. She didn't love Anders and he certainly didn't love her. He'd been in love with her now deceased sister. They'd agreed to this because...because...

Why the hell had they agreed to this?

Hawke scowled and set her baby in the downy blanket in her cradle. Baby Dawn smacked her lips and yawned, putting a chubby little fist beside her mouth as she rolled onto her side. Maker, they had made a beautiful child. _He _had a made a beautiful child. She did look so much like her father. Was that why Isabela's presence bothered her so? Because Hawke could be so easily removed from the picture and Isabela put into her place?

"Your father is an idiot," Hawke sighed as she gently brushed a blond lock of hair from the sleeping infant's temple. "Why doesn't he see what's right in front of him?"

Why would it matter if he did? They'd agreed to be friends and raise the baby that way, hadn't they?

"Maker woman you're daft!"

"Excuse me?" Hawke turned to see who had insulted her and blanched when she realized it was Isabela, in all her exotic beauty. By the Void, since when had she been jealous of Isabela?

"It's obvious you love him." Isabela shook her head and strolled into the room. She put a finger to under Hawke's chin and then lightly tapped it with her fist. "You proved as much when you were trying to set me on fire with your eyes earlier. Just friends, my arse."

"I do not love him," Hawke sputtered. Dawn stirred and Hawke quickly quieted down, moving around the bed with Isabela to stand near the hearth. "We _are _just friends. He had no problem with your advances, Isabela, not even in front of me and our child. He loves Bethany. I don't think that will ever change."

"He wasn't exactly accepting of my advances, pet." Isabela crossed her arms. "He's just so caught up in his writings that he failed to notice."

Hawke frowned. "It doesn't matter either way. He was in love with my sister. He didn't even get to tell her how he felt before she died. Because of that...well, I don't think he will stop grieving her for a long time to come. It doesn't matter how I feel about him."

"Hawke, pet, you have a child together. Friends don't have a child together. He must feel _something _for you."

"He feels responsible for me!" Hawke exclaimed, her eyes brimming with frustrated tears. Okay, so maybe she did have feelings for Anders. It was irrelevant because he would never return them. Isabela had to understand that, like Hawke did. "I'm the sister of his dead love. He feels he is doing right by Bethany by taking care of me. It's why I went to him...I knew he wouldn't deny me anything." Her lip trembled. She wrung her hands together. "You're right, maybe I do love him but it doesn't matter...he won't ever love me. I may have gotten in over my head..."

"I'm sure if you tell him, you'll realize you're wrong, pet." Isabela rubbed Hawke's hair affectionately. "You don't see the way he looks at you."

"He only looks at me like that because he longs to have this with Bethany."

"Hawke – "

"Enough Isabela!" Hawke snapped impatiently as she subdued her urge to cry. "He _doesn't _love me. Leave it be."

* * *

Hawke spent time with Dawn at the chantry after that. Sebastian and Elthina were more than happy to welcome her, despite the fact that she'd had a baby outside of wedlock. Anders accompanied once, but didn't return after; they'd had a brief argument in his refusal to enter the chantry, but in the end, Hawke had grown too frustrated with him – and her unsettled feelings – to press it further. He had his beliefs and she had hers. While she didn't entirely believe in the Maker, she didn't see the harm in attending the chantry once and awhile.

It helped that Sebastian offered her the companionship she so desperately craved. He was warm, kind, and caring. Thoughtful in his concern for her and Dawn's well being. After a few months, the ache began to lessen, letting Hawke open herself up to new possibilities.

"The wee babe is getting so big," Sebastian said as he took a seat beside her on the pew. He took off one glove, then the other. His tan, calloused hand then reached out to affectionately ruffle Dawn's hair. Dawn giggled and made her chubby little fingers reach out for the exiled prince. He smiled as she wrapped them around a finger, holding on as if her life depended on it. "Strong grip she has. That she got from her mother, I'm sure."

"You're sure, huh?" Hawke chuckled. It was moments like these that made it easier to ignore the fact that the man she'd came to love was in love with her dead sister.

"Oh definitely." He grinned, white teeth gleaming. "I don't mean to insult Anders but the wee babe's grip is definitely from you. Been on the end of it a time or two myself. I'd know."

Hawke sputtered amongst choked laughter. Dawn giggled with her. "Sebastian! I'd never!"

"Maybe I dreamed it then."

"Perhaps," she consented as the laughter died away. "How is Elthina? She is not with you today."

"Things are getting a little heated between the Knight Commander and the First Enchanter." He sighed and wiggled his fingers to amuse Dawn while they talked. "If one doesn't have her ear, the other does. It is endless and mindless. Elthina doesn't wish to choose sides but she is being naïve. In the end, she will have to choose to support the Knight Commander. The Templars are knights of the Chantry and serve the Maker. The Chantry is to serve the Maker. In the end, she will have to."

"Sebastian..." Hawke sighed and laid her cheek against her daughter's head. "Dawn could very well be a mage, you know. Both her parents are. In the end, this feud is pointless; there are corrupt templars, just as there are corrupt mages. Mages aren't all corrupt."

"Only mages can become abominations, Hawke. Even the Maker forsake magic."

"Andraste said magic is to serve man, not rule him. Each mage makes their own choices in life." She smiled sweetly. "Really, Sebastian – Dawn and I, we're hardly abominations."

He smiled, the mood instantly lightening in lieu of her gentle teasing. "Far too cute to be abominations. If you were, all of mankind would be doomed I fear."

"Is that so?" Hawke laughed softly and then passed Dawn to Sebastian as she tugged at him.

Sebastian bounced the little girl on his knee and made faces that made both the toddler and Hawke giggle. He grinned then and nodded. "Very much so. You'd steal the hearts of anyone who dared to look upon you."

Hawke blushed. "Dawn maybe, but I'm far from a heart thief."

He turned toward her and brushed a strand of hair from her eye. "You are far too modest, Hawke. You're beautiful. Anders is a fool to not see what he has."

* * *

"Why are you spending so much time with Sebastian?"

Hawke looked up from her desk where she'd been answering letters to look at Anders where he stood in her doorway looking like he'd swallowed a sour fruit. "Excuse me?"

"You're always going to the chantry and taking Dawn with you." He crossed his arms and frowned deeper. "I know you don't have any firm belief in the Maker, so the only other reason has to be that you go to see Sebastian."

"What's wrong with that?" She asked as she turned in her chair to face him. "He's my...friend."

"I see the way he looks at you, Hawke."

She blinked. "Why does it matter what way he looks at me?"

"You're the mother of my child," he muttered, "and I'm not about to let some preachy choir boy try to whisk you and my daughter to the mage hating side."

She'd thought he was jealous, but this? "That's what this is about? You're worried he is going to make me switch sides?" She shoved angrily away from her desk as she stood. "I thought you were jealous, what with your grumpy facade."

"Jealous?" He looked surprised, standing straight. "I care for you but you deserve to be happy. Just not with choir boy. You're free to look elsewhere."

Hawke bit the inside of her cheek as her hands curled into fists. She stalked over to where he stood in the door way and let her hand uncurl. It flew out against her will and landed with a harsh slap across his cheek. He stumbled back, hand flying up to hold his burning and marked cheek. "You've made that abundantly clear, Anders! You don't love me. I know that, I've always known that and yet, somehow, I still let myself fall for you. I love you!"

"But Hawke..." He fidgeted nervously.

"I don't want to hear it Anders! I know you loved Bethany and it's clear you don't love me, but as far as I'm concerned, you don't get to dictate who I associate with – whether they hate mages or not!" She shuddered and stalked away from him, stubbornly swallowing her tears. "I...I don't know why I thought this would work. It's not working anymore..."

"Hawke?" He tried to follow her but she shook off his hand when it touched her. "This was your idea. You wanted to raise this baby as friends. We are friends. I love you, I do...but only as a friend. We can still do what we originally decided."

"Get out!" She sobbed the words. "I can't do this anymore. I can't be around you anymore. It's too painful! Please, just go."

"What about Dawn? Please, Hawke – "

"I'll let you see her, but Anders, you need to leave. I need my space. Just. Go." She scrubbed the tears off her cheeks with the sleeve of her robe. "I love you but...you don't love me and it's too painful."

Anders didn't move at first, instead looked at her with such a pained look, she nearly folded. But she held strong and finally, he nodded and left. Once she heard the front door slam, she slid to her knees and cried until she couldn't cry anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Thank you so much for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites. I'm very happy that the story is going over well. While I don't write for reviews, I am still ecstatic when I get them.

So, thanks to to Havishanta, Ruvena Cousland Amell, Emberlies, Kataschaba, Musicalrain, Sam623, Joleekee, and pintsizedphyshco, for your reviews on the latest chapter! I don't always remember to thank you guys individually, so just letting you know I appreciate the support!

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns Dragon Age, but I still like playing with their toys.

* * *

"I haven't seen Anders around lately," Isabela remarked casually over a game of Diamondback, even as Varric tried to signal her with not so subtle hand gestures to shut up. "Did you two have a falling out?"

Hawke took a deep breath but showed no other indication of distress. She drew another card and studied her hand. "We argued," she said as she situated her cards, "so aye, you could say we had a falling out of sorts. I did not tell him to stay away. Just that he could no longer live in my home."

Sebastian chose that moment to set a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. "It might be better this way," he suggested hesitantly.

"There's no might about it – you and your baby will be fine, even better off, without that abomination in your lives," Fenris muttered. He almost regretted his words when he saw the way Hawke stiffened, but he remained stoically silent. He couldn't very well back down after saying something like that.

"I'm well aware of your opinion now, Fenris, and I know you mean well. However," her tone dropped and she tried, unsuccessfully, not to glare openly at him in her anger, "do not continue to call him an abomination around me. We have a child. It would do you well not to force me to choose sides."

The table grew awkwardly quiet. Still, Fenris chose to add, "you would do better to find someone else, Hawke."

"You don't think I know that, Fenris?" Hawke sighed and leaned ever so slightly into Sebastian's lingering squeeze of her shoulder. All eyes darted between the two and Varric made the small 'oh' sound they were all thinking. Hawke blushed red and ducked out subtly from beneath Sebastian's hand. "Mm, it's your turn, Varric."

The dwarf nodded and drew his card even as Isabela ignored the game by leaning across the table toward Hawke. "Listen pet, I could care more about nug shit than this game –"

"That's my line," Varric interrupted.

"I could care less," Isabela continued with a roll of her eyes, "because now Hawke has my attention."

"I always have your attention Isabela," Hawke muttered like a petulant child.

"Beside the point." She shook her head and then waved a hand between Hawke and Sebastian. "Is..._this _why I haven't seen Anders around lately?"

"Beside the point," Hawke said defensively. "Anders made it clear he does not love me but I did not tell him to stay away. He is free to see Dawn whenever he wishes. He chooses not to speak with me. I was...pretty upset. It has only been a few months. We should not make assumptions."

"Assumptions are usually unwise," a voice said from behind them, near the door. Hawke flinched, immediately aware that Anders had walked in on them discussing him. He was staring at her, eyes as assessing as ever. Their warm familiarity was suppressed by cool scrutiny as he glanced between her and Sebastian. Maker, exactly how long had he been listening to them?

"That's what I've been trying to tell them," Hawke said quickly. "Would you like to join us for a game of Diamondback, Anders?"

He frowned and glanced between her and Sebastian one more time before shaking his head. "I only came by to make sure it was alright if I stop by the mansion to see Dawn."

"Oh. You know you don't have to ask, Anders."

"Thank you Hawke." He didn't linger. A moment later he was out the door and Hawke felt utterly and completely defeated. He really just didn't care, did he? It was obvious he suspected something between her and Sebastian, but he said nothing, did nothing. Why did she bother?

Hawke sighed and picked up her cards, determined to put her mind off such distressing thoughts. Almost subconsciously she leaned toward Sebastian, their shoulders touching.

* * *

Her life continued on that way for awhile; she and Anders continued to drift apart while she and Sebastian grew closer together. Time passed alarmingly fast and, before she knew it, Dawn had grown into a happy, healthy, and bubbly three year old girl.

Maker, where had the time gone?

"Mama!" Dawn's voice interrupted her thoughts as the little blond girl came flying into the study to grab at the material of Hawke's robes. She grinned a toothy grin up at her, tugging on the cloth. "Mama, Sebby is here! Sebby!"

"Oh?" Hawke's heart fluttered.

That was peculiar. As far as she knew, Sebastian hadn't made any plans to come by the mansion. Not that he had to, she supposed. She and Sebastian were...well, they were complicated. They were more than friends but hadn't quite crossed the lines into intimate; they'd kissed a lot though. A month or two ago, he told her he loved her despite his vows of chastity that kept them from doing something more...committed. When they'd had that talk though, she'd known he was committed. There was no denying it. Unsure and torn, Hawke had asked him for time. She cared about Sebastian but her traitorous heart still remained fixated on Anders.

Curbing her thoughts, she ruffled her daughter's blond curls. Dawn like Sebastian well enough, but Anders was her father. There was just so much here for her to consider. "Can you show him in baby girl?" Dawn didn't even wait for her to finish; she nodded enthusiastically and hurried out of the study.

When she looked up from her desk a few minutes later, a fully armored Sebastian was standing just inside the door. He smiled when he saw her and, again, her heart fluttered. "There you are, Hawke." He and Dawn came to stand beside her, the little girl's hand in Sebastian's much larger, tanned one.

As she looked at him, she had no doubt he would be a wonderful father. He adored Dawn like she was his own. Hawke could have the family she'd dreamed of; the family she had thought she'd never have. She frowned, reminded of the night she had gone to Anders in her desperation.

"Hawke? Are you well?" Sebastian's concerned tone brought her from her thoughts.

"Sorry, a little tired." She smiled, knowing it was a lame excuse. It was better than telling him she'd been thinking of Anders. Again. "What brings you by today, Sebastian?"

Sebastian frowned and patted Dawn's head almost absently. "I need you to come by the Keep."

"What for?" This didn't bode well, not with how things had been going on in the city lately. Knight-Commander Meredith had taken Viscount Dumar's place as head of the city after Hawke had driven out the qunari. Even now, the templar-mage feud continued on, despite how close the city had come to meeting its destruction at the hands of qunari. The city of chains forever craved blood, Hawke mused with distaste. Not a place she wanted to raise a child in.

"Orsino is rallying the people against Meredith again. I fear they will drag Elthina into their petty bickering," Sebastian sighed, confirming her fears.

"We should go then. Dawn," she brought her daughter close and spoke softly, "go find Orana and Bodahn. I promise I will return soon, alright?"

"Aye mama."

"Good girl, I love you." She touched her daughter's curls before the little girl left the room to do as her mother said. "I tire of this," Hawke said a moment later, "I only want to raise my daughter in peace."

"I know Hawke." Sebastian brought her against him and sighed against her hair. "Sadly, that may not be possible. Not for much longer, I fear."

* * *

Hawke only had to be in front of the Keep for a few minutes to realize Sebastian had spoken the truth. Unrest was on the rise in Kirkwall. Hawke had stubbornly refused to take sides, despite Sebastian's insistence she side with the Chantry. In turn, since the templars served the Chantry, that would mean she would be siding with the templars. As a mage herself, she doubted she could do it – with Anders and herself both being mages, Dawn was likely one as well.

If the templars went to war with the mages, well, the side she would be taking would be Dawn's. The feud meant little to Hawke. All she wanted was for her daughter to be happy, healthy, and safe.

If anyone threatened that, they would pay. And if she had to leave Kirkwall to give her daughter that life, then so be it.

Her head was pounding by the time she reached her home. All she wanted to do was scoop her daughter into her arms and take a nice, long, peaceful nap. It wasn't meant to be though. To her surprise, Anders was waiting on her doorstep – no doubt for her.

She hadn't seen him in months; his visits over the years had grown further and further apart. He didn't look too well, she noted – thin, haggard, as if hadn't been sleeping or eating. To see him at all, though, was enough to send her running into his arms. She flung her arms around his neck and nearly wept when his wrapped around her in turn.

"Anders! I've been so worried." She stepped back enough to peer into his tired, almost anxious, eyes. He seemed unlike himself. "Anders...are you well? You look tired. Where have you been?" Even as she bombarded him with question after question, Hawke couldn't bring herself to step out of the loose hold his arms had on her. She'd missed him.

"Easy Hawke. Take a deep breath." He actually cracked a smile, though it was weak at best. He tucked errant hair behind her ear and she had to restrain herself from leaning into his touch.

"Sorry...I've just been worried about you."

He nodded and stepped back, his arms dropping from around her. "I've been...busy," he said with a slight shrug. His indifference to her worry made her want to smack him; that urge fought with the one that wanted her to smack him first _then _kiss him.

"Busy my arse!" She snapped harshly. With a deep breath, she softened her voice and tried again. "Dawn missed you...I miss you, Anders. I didn't like worrying constantly whether or not you were in a ditch somewhere."

"As dramatic as always," he sighed with a soft smile. "I'm sorry, Hawke, but you have Sebastian now and I...I thought I wouldn't be welcome anymore."

"Anders –"

"And Meredith has been making it impossible to be a mage. Tell me you've noticed."

"Anders, I –"

"Speaking of, I need your help with something –"

"Anders!" She snapped his name and stomped her foot, frustrated as she tried to get his attention. He'd interrupted her numerous times and she had something to say. "About Sebastian..."

"It's...fine, Hawke." He didn't sound _fine _with it. "You were right to do what you did. You deserve someone who will treat you and our–" he stopped before he sighed, "someone who will treat you and Dawn well; both of you deserve nothing but the best."

"Anders –"

Anders sighed and dropped his gaze to the ground. Tension brewed between them in the silence. There was something he wanted to say to her, but he was wrestling with himself about whether or not to say it. He probably wanted to spare her feelings, having hurt her enough for one lifetime. "Hawke, listen. I do need your help with something and it is important." He folded his arms and frowned. "There is...something I want to tell you, but I fear if I tell you now, you won't believe me, or worse, you will think I am saying it to be sure you'll help me with what I need..."

"Anders – you know you can tell me anything," Hawke assured, although his words caused her heart to jump into her throat.

"I don't even know where to begin, Hawke." His amber eyes found hers and she almost caved beneath the anguish she saw there. She couldn't though, not if she thought about it logically. After all the years she had spent loving him when he hadn't loved her. Even if his feelings had changed, she could hear him telling her she was only a friend as if were yesterday.

Thinking twice about having this conversation, she said, "this probably isn't the best time, Anders. I was about to go in and lay down. Headache." She moved to step around him but he reached out, his hand gripping her wrist and effectively bringing her to a stop.

"Hawke, I've been dreaming about Bethany and –"

Hawke yanked her hand away angrily. What in the Void made him think she wanted to hear about this? What was he trying to accomplish, besides reopening an old wound that hadn't even healed? "Anders, now is not the time," she said again, more forcefully. She went for the door again but he was there, grabbing her and pushing her against the solid surface. Hawke gasped and tried to stop her traitorous heart from responding, but it wouldn't listen.

"Let me finish, Hawke," he grumbled. He cupped her chin in his finger and thumb, meeting her eyes honestly. "Seeing her again...I missed her, but that was it. Beyond that, I felt nothing. I wanted to tell you a couple of months ago, but after I saw you and Sebastian kissing...I couldn't. I can't wait any longer now. I've been blind to what I've had all along, Hawke. I love our daughter and...I love you. I probably always have."

Hawke's mind went annoyingly blank as she tried desperately to find the words she needed. She had dreamed of this many times, over many years, but she couldn't bring herself to say his feelings were reciprocated. Instead, she found herself confessing the one thing she hadn't allowed herself to think of, the last thing she wanted him to know; "Sebastian asked me to marry him."

"When?" The word was choked, disbelieving.

"It...it doesn't matter."

"What...what did you say?" He dropped his hand from her face and took a step back. She wanted to reach out to him, tell him the truth, but it was if she were watching and not acting. Her brain was, for once, winning over her heart.

"I said yes," she lied.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **This has actually turned out to be longer than I had originally anticipated, but I must follow my muse. She's demanded an extension to the main idea of this, heh. Thank you so much for the reviews, favorites, and alerts! Knowing that there are readers out there who enjoy what I write, sends me over the moon. I adore you guys! Thank you!

Alas, also – there is an A/N in my profile about my work schedule.

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns Dragon Age...damn.

* * *

Hawke hadn't needed to say any word, hadn't needed to tell Anders that it would be best to leave; the moment the lie had slipped free from her lips, he had turned and left without so much as another word.

Why, oh why, had she told him that blighted lie? Why did she tell him that she had said yes to Sebastian's proposal? Hawke was going to tell Anders that truth, had planned to, but the moment she'd opened her mouth, the lie had waltzed out of its own accord.

_Stupid! Stupid stupid! Stupid stupid stupid! Come on Hawke!_

Hawke's mother had always been fond of pointing out her number one flaw – her mouth, that she always had trouble with her words. More often than not, Hawke's tongue and mouth got the better of her. This moment was _definitely _one of those times. By the void!

She was so busy trying to keep herself from beating her head into the wall, that she didn't hear Sebastian approach until he cleared his throat to announce himself. Inwardly, she cringed. Outwardly, she grimaced. How long had he been standing there? If Anders had seen him when he left, he hadn't said anything. Then again, why would he?

"Anders looked upset. Is everything alright?" His expression gave nothing away and, for a brief moment, she debated trying to lie to him about what had happened. Yet something in his endlessly cerulean eyes told her he already knew, or at least had the gist.

"Anders told me he loved me," she whispered.

"And?" he prompted.

"And what he was a fool for not seeing it sooner, so we could be a family; he, Dawn, and I."

"And you, Hawke? What was it you said?" He asked the question quietly, but calmly. Hawke thought it was a little too calmly. Shouldn't Sebastian be more upset that Anders had come onto her, the woman he wanted to – and according to her would – marry.

"I told him..." she paused, conflicted. If he _hadn't _heard her tell Anders the lie, should she repeat it to him? However, what if he _had _heard her and she lied about it, after the fact? Decidedly, she started again. "I told him that you asked me to marry you and that...I said yes."

"I see," he sighed, relieved. He didn't appear to be pleased. If anything, he was cautious. "Was it the truth? Or did you like to give him a taste of his own medicine?" She did her best not to laugh at his unintentional pun. He was not trying to amuse her; one look into his eyes and she knew he was being serious, that this was far from a laughing matter. How easily the exiled prince could see through her. How was it Sebastian could read her so well, like an open tome, meanwhile, Anders could not see through a single lie?

"I spoke the truth," she finally said.

The smile that came across his lips then made her think that this was the right decision to make. Sebastian loved her and Dawn, had never rejected or hurt her, and he would do everything he could to take care of the two of them. She knew this without a doubt, even as Sebastian swept her into his arms and held her tightly.

"You won't regret this lass," he whispered reverently into her hair.

She only prayed he spoke the truth.

* * *

Within the week Sebastian spoke to Grand Cleric Elthina that they had agreed to marry. Despaired by the on-going mage-templar feud, it was safe to say she was overjoyed. Elthina had never fully believed that Sebastian would hold true to his vows, never fully believed that he wanted to become a brother in the Chantry. He had never seemed _truly _happy in his service to the Maker. Elthina urged them to marry before 'the strenuous balance of power' snapped. As Grand Cleric, she even volunteered to preform the ceremony herself – something that surprised the void out of Hawke. Sebastian was to be the ruler of Starkhaven and wanted to take a mage as his wife; she'd expected the Grand Cleric to be against it, if only for the rule that mages could not marry into royalty.

Everything Hawke could have hoped for was falling into place. Yet, she had never been more anxious in her life. Even now she sat at her desk, penning out wedding invitations; Anders' invitation being the one she just couldn't seem to bring herself to write out. She had been lingering over it for well over an hour.

The wedding was set for two weeks from now. Anders' confession had come only a week before. Would it be kind and considerate to invite him or just a cruel reminder of what she'd denied him?

Maker, wouldn't it just be cruel to invite him? She certainly did not wish to watch him marry another woman. She still loved him...had never stopped. This, all of this, had gone so much farther than she had intended. She _did _care about Sebastian...it just all felt so out of control.

No matter what she chose to do now, someone was going to be hurt. Someone was going to end up with a broken heart; Anders or Sebastian, or all three of them. In the end, her heart would be broken too.

Hawke set her quill atop Anders' blank invitation with a resigned sigh.

It was probably better if she did not invite him. Maybe it would be better if she just called the whole thing off. Or, by the Void, maybe she should just flee Kirkwall with Dawn. Hawke did miss her home; she could go back to Lothering, back to Ferelden, now that the darkspawn had retreated into the deep roads.

Hawke sighed; if only her mother were still alive. Even her father or Bethany. Their advice always helped her. Carver's? Well, he had always been a right hand pain in her arse, but in a weird way, it was Carver that Hawke missed the most. It was the loneliness she'd felt without them that had led her into making the rash arrangement with Anders. Desperate or not, she couldn't bring herself to regret her decision, not when it had resulted in such a beautiful miracle like her daughter.

Frustrated tears burned in her eyes.

"Hawke?"

She turned her head toward the door to find Anders standing there. He didn't look good; he looked as stressed and as tired as her, if not more so. As if he spent the nights tossing and turning instead of sleeping. "Anders? What are you doing here?" Inwardly, she scowled. She hadn't meant to sound as if she were unhappy to see him.

"I apologize if I am bothering you. Last we spoke, I mentioned needing your assistance with an important matter." He glanced away. "I may have figured out a way to separate Justice and myself, but I cannot do it without you. I know you are likely busy with your upcoming nuptials but I would still like your assistance if you could spare a few hours. Or more." He shrugged and returned his amber gaze to where she sat. "I am not entirely certain how long it could take."

Hawke nodded as her heart thumped excitedly; a way to separate Justice from Anders, there was no way she could turn her back on helping him with something so important. She pushed herself away from her desk, choosing to ignore his comment about her nuptials. This was the least she could do for him knowing that, in a couple weeks, she would be the one to break his heart. At least if they were successful, he would have a shot at a normal life.

* * *

That had been the idea, before she had realized what it was that Anders was really up to. Now she just felt like a fool for believing in him. Anders had taken her on a wild goose chase for rare ingredients that he said would be used in a potion, a potion that – when mixed with a spell and ceremony – would free him from Justice.

He'd lied.

Her friend, her lover, the father of her child, had lied to her. He had to be planning something disastrous. She _knew _what these ingredients made when they were mixed. Her father, a great and knowledgeable mage, had shared the information with her – a last resort, in case her magic alone could not save her.

Sela Patrae and Drakestone; when mixed with charcoal, they created very powerful gunpowder. Alone, it was dangerous enough; mixed with a mage's otherworldly magics, it was lethality embodied.

"Anders, we need to talk," she snapped as she followed him into the clinic, slamming the door behind her in her anger.

"Thank you for your help," he said with a small smile, though his eyes were distant. "I would ask one final task of you."

"What is it?" She asked the question patiently, though she was seething inside. Anders couldn't be capable of violence like that, could he?

"I cannot tell you why I need this but I must get into the Chantry without being seen. All I ask is that you speak to the Grand Cleric, so I have the time to do what must be done." His voice was flat, almost clinical. Did this voice belong to her sweet Anders?

"Anders," she sighed with a shake of her head. "Tell me your plan. Let me help you."

"You would not thank me if I involved you, Hawke." For a brief moment, she saw the real Anders in the amber gaze leveled on her, but then he was gone, replaced with the distant man she'd accompanied throughout the day. "If you support our freedom as mages then help me. Help Dawn. That is all I can tell you Hawke. I will never let the templars lay a hand on you or our daughter."

Hawke's hands trembled. She wanted to smack him. "Was this ever about you and Justice? Or have you lied to me this entire time, Anders?"

"It was a lie," he admitted.

"I know that."

He blinked, momentarily surprised. "What? Then why did you even ask?"

Hawke narrowed her eyes because they burned unmercifully with angry, hurtful tears. "I needed to hear you say it. Do you think I am a fool Anders?"

"Hawke, never would I – no, no you are not a fool."

"Then do not treat me like one!" She yelled. He flinched, sadness creeping into his eyes; it wasn't much, but at least part of him remained with her. "I will do what you ask of me Anders, but I am not a damned fool. If you do what I suspect you are planning to do, then there will never be another chance for us to be a family again."

He pressed his lips together in a tight frown. "What are you saying? There isn't a chance, not anymore. You are going to marry Sebastian, are you not? All I can do now is make sure that you and Dawn are free."

"Anders, please." She reached her hand out and laid it against his chest. He flinched, as if he were in pain. A hint of Justice's blue flames touched Anders' eyes but then he shook his head and laid his hand over hers. "You're a good man Anders, a good father. Don't do this, please. I know you can stop this."

"I..." Justice appeared his eyes, blue flames angry for vengeance. "We have to do this, for you and for Dawn; for every mage child born into a world that would sooner rip them from their parents arms than give them a chance to live free."

"You shut your mouth Justice!" Hawke screamed as she pounded her fists against Anders' chest. "You will not use our daughter, our love, to justify your misguided mission!"

All the fire drained from him and it was the real Anders left standing in front of her, his eyes wide in disbelief. He wrapped his arms around her waist and yanked her to him, holding her tightly. Those warm amber eyes, the ones she'd missed so dearly, were filled with what could be described as hope. "Our love?" Even his voice reflected that hope.

She swallowed thickly, trembling. "Anders..."

He shuddered and pulled her even tighter against his body, both their hearts beating loud like thunder. "Hawke, what do you mean 'our love'? Do you still love me?"

Maker forgive her, she couldn't lie to him – not again. "Yes...I've always loved you, Anders." She placed her hands on his cheeks as tears rolled down her own. "I love you. I do not wish to watch you lose yourself."

His eyes held anguish that made her heart clench with sympathy. "I try, Hawke. I try. Some days however...I cannot even distinguish what thoughts are my own and what thoughts are his." He pressed his nose to her hair and inhaled deeply. "I love you and I love Dawn. All I want to do is protect you both."

"I'll do as you ask," she whispered, her voice trembling. "I trust you."

Only time would tell if she lived to regret those words but in this moment, she didn't care. All that mattered was this; everything fell away – their pain, his plans, her plans. When he slanted his lips across hers, she was lost. She'd ached for this moment for so long, she couldn't fight it. Didn't want to fight it.

Maker help her, but she couldn't walk away from him. She had to save him from himself. She knew what was coming. Only Justice could be capable of this. Her sweet Anders could not be; he would never harm an innocent, not when he had healed so many of them. She needed to draw out that Anders, free him from whatever Justice had planned for his body. She didn't know how she would do it, but this was a start.

Anders needed her.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Another chapter, maybe two – at max three – before this little mini fic is finished. I mean, it has been longer than I had intended; the small idea just kind of became so much more and expanded all on its own. Lol. Sometimes it just kind of gets away from me, not that I am complaining. Over active muse is so much better than a non active one. So my continued thanks to those who've followed and supported it thus far. You guys rock!

I really do want to thank every single one of you who have followed, and added this to their favorites; your support has always kept me going and continues to do so. So thank you, thank you very much!

**Warnings: **This chapter is **NSFW. Mature audiences only.**

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns DA; if I owned it, I would've written a way to stop Anders. Lol.

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Hawke didn't know how they had arrived at her mansion in Hightown. All she knew – all she cared to pay attention to – was Anders' lips as they kissed, almost unceasingly. Night had fallen, giving them some cover as they made their way to her home – good thing too, or else how the nobles of Hightown would wag their tongues should they have caught sight of them; two apostates locked in a torrid embrace was bad enough, but add the fact that they were a wanted apostate and the prince of Starkhaven's fiancee?

Summoning the will of Andraste, she pressed her hands to his chest and put some space between their lips. Desperately trying to catch her breath, she whispered, "stop. Just a moment."

He slid the fingers of his hand into her hair and wrenched her head back, a pleasurable hiss slipping from her lips. "Never. I never want to stop. I can't – not now." Then he was once more kissing her, his free hand on her hip, guiding her back against the ivy-covered garden wall just behind her. She was helpless to resist him, whimpering with longing into his kiss, her hands clutching onto the edges of his pauldrons. Their tongues twined together, a sensual caress that made it nearly impossible for her to remember why she'd wanted to stop him in the first place.

"Anders – please, we have to stop," she mumbled against his lips with a soft, feminine chuckle, "at least for now. A moment or two, maybe a moment more."

His eyes blazing hotly, he nodded but did not disentangle himself from her plaint form. "Why?"

"We're here," she grinned, almost cheekily, a slightly embarrassed tint of red spreading over her cheeks. "Unless we wish to give poor Orana a heart attack, we should at least try to be subtle."

For a moment, his expression fell, as did her heart – she knew all too well what he was thinking, about the one thing that lay between them. Well, she wondered if he would count Justice in with Sebastian; both were equally liable at preventing them from becoming more. "Sebastian – "

Hawke put her finger against his lips; "Shhh. Please, Anders. It's just us, here and now."

"You know I can deny you nothing," he sighed with a soft smile; the same words he'd said to her the night everything had changed, at least for her. "Come." He took her hand and they moved away from the garden wall. The tension between them was palpable, the air thick. Her heart raced within her breast as they made their way to the front door of her estate. Orana was just inside when they stepped in and before she turned to face them, Hawke regretfully pulled her hand from Anders'.

"Mistress, you are home." The elven girl bowed her head. "Messere Dawn is asleep in her room. She only just fell asleep."

"Ah, well, her father wanted to see her," Hawke explained, glossing over the truth. She could see Anders frown, but knew it had to be this way – at least for now. At least until she was given the chance to properly end things with Sebastian; she didn't want him to find out via the rumor wheel of Kirkwall. "We have some things we need to discuss about Dawn. We'll just adjourn to the study."

"Of course, mistress. Shall I fetch you something to drink?"

"No thank you, Orana. You've done enough. Why don't you go get some sleep?"

"Yes mistress."

"Orana?" Hawke stopped the girl with a gentle touch. "Please, I'm not your mistress. Hawke is fine." Orana bit her lip but nodded her acquiescence before she turned and left the two of them alone. Hawke noticed that Bodahn and Sandal were nowhere to be seen and must have gone to bed as well. She turned to face Anders, frowning at the pensive expression marring his handsome features. "Anders, come." She held out her hand and, after only a brief moment of hesitation, he took it in his.

Once they were in the study, she pulled away to recline on the sofa just in front of the fire Bodahn must have started for her. Even as he watched, she began to undo the laces holding her robes closed. Slowly, they pooled open and she saw his throat work in a swallow. Soon the maroon material was pooled beneath her on the sofa, leaving her long, lithe body nearly bare to his heated gaze. His fingers worked at his sides, curling and uncurling as he struggled to keep himself in place as his eyes roamed her flesh.

"Are you sure about this Hawke?" His voice was low and husky, and it was obvious he was struggling with himself. "I will not be able to stop myself...should you change your mind."

"Anders," she sighed his name, every letter and syllable filled with longing, "shut up and get over here and kiss me. _Before _I change my mind."

Justice's blue fire touched his eyes and for a moment, her heart turned over – with excitement, or fear, she didn't know. He groaned as he nearly ripped the buckles of his coat apart. After a furious fight, his shirt followed, then his boots and his trousers until he stood in nothing more than his smalls. The firelight touched his golden skin and she found herself licking her lips at the way the shadows played across his flesh; her palms literally itched in their want to touch him. Then he was looming over her, fingers once more wrapped in her hair, lips slanting across her own hungrily as he lowered himself between her legs. Her hips cradled his, the bulge of his erection making her keen into his mouth with pleasure.

Ah, Maker. She'd wanted this for so long. His free hand roamed across her flesh, tearing her breast band from her breasts, giving way to his questing fingers. They plucked at her nipple, making her gasp and writhe her hips against his. He was going to slow, she decided. She moved to grip the edges of his smalls, but he chuckled and took her hands, pinning them above her head on the arm of the sofa by her wrists. He continued to kiss her until she was whimpering into his lips, writhing in mindless pleasure beneath him.

"Anders, please."

"Not yet," he mumbled as his lips trailed down her neck. He nipped at her flesh, sucking at it hard and long enough to brand her; she should have noted that, but at the moment, she didn't care if he marked every bit of her flesh. Despite the circumstances, she wanted his mark all over, consequences be damned. She would no doubt burn in the Void, but she had loved Anders for so long and this moment was all she could have hoped for – she was human, and selfish, enough to let herself bask in it.

"Keep them there," he ordered as he released her hands. That blue tint touched his eyes and she shuddered with a nod. She was wet, embarrassingly so. She couldn't keep herself still, writhing her hips as he pulled her smalls down with his teeth; Maker, she wanted to come right then and there. Then he was returning to her heat, his nose brushing against her bundle of nerves as his tongue touched and teased her sopping lips. His order was there in her mind, but as he tasted her, dipped his tongue within her, she couldn't obey – her hands found his hair and twisted there in his blond strands, her back bowing as she soundlessly cried out. "Maker, you taste divine." He lapped once more at her heat before raising his head. "I love you, Hawke."

"I love you Anders," Hawke whimpered. She used her grip in his hair to yank him forward, kissing him roughly. Her legs wrapped around his hips and pulled him close, rubbing her wet core against him. He groaned loud, his hand finding and caressing her breasts; his thumbs and index fingers tweaked her nipples as they rubbed against each other. "Ah Maker, I can't take it. I can't. Please, Anders – no, not please. Take me. Now."

He nodded eagerly and squirmed out of his smalls, quick to return to the cradle of her hips. He slid his fingers into her hair and held on, kissing her long and passionately as the head of his cock found her heat, hips surging forward to bury himself inside of her in one, swift and sure, thrust. They cried out into each others lips, locked together in the most intimate way; they didn't move, not at first. But then they couldn't hold back any longer and soon, he was pulling from her and thrusting back in, in fast, hard, eager pumps of his angled hips.

She couldn't think any longer; she was just one, giant bundle of nerves afloat and overloaded with pleasure. She clutched at him, scoring his back with her nails as they writhed together hotly. Her teeth found and locked onto his shoulder; the bit of pain seemed to push him just far enough. As she marked him, he nearly roared his pleasure, hips thrusting hard and frantically until he was freely spilling himself within her. He arched, his seed branding her deeply – the feeling was heady and then she was following his suit, arching into him and biting her lips to stifle a scream as she convulsed around him, bathing his length in her release.

Breathlessly, they sunk into the sofa, his cheek pillowed on her breast. Her heart thumped loud, reminiscent of thunder. She let her eyes drift shut, holding him to her as reality settled once more around them. He would have to leave and then she would have to be Sebastian Vael's fiancee again. For now, at least. Hawke knew they had to handle this carefully, but for now there was just them. In this room, in this embrace; it was just them. Reality could wait.

The sound of the door opening had them pulling apart hastily. She was quick to grab up her robes and cover herself, Anders was quick to put on his trousers, just as her visitor walked into the study. Her heart fell to her stomach and she visibly blanched to realize that the man standing in the door way, with the wide eyes and stricken expression, was none other than her fiancee, Sebastian.

"Hawke?" Sebastian looked between the two of them, his eyes carefully guarded though she could see the hurt creeping in. "Anders? What is going on here?"

Hawke bit her lower lip, worrying it with her teeth; Maker, this was not how this was supposed to go down!

Anders glanced at her, assessing her, before he turned to face the prince, hands clenched at his sides. "It is as it appears, Sebastian. Hawke and I..." He paused and she flushed red, pulling the robes tighter around her, suddenly wishing she could melt into the sofa beneath her. "I love her," he finished simply.

"Sebastian..." Hawke's eyes watered. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him; he'd been so good to her since Anders had broken her heart, but she couldn't live a lie, not even for him. "I love him..."

Sebastian's lips pressed together in a thin line as his brows pulled in tight over his cerulean eyes. He looked between the two of them, the tension in the room enough to make her suffocate. After a long moment, he shook his head and before she could stop him, he turned and left the study, the door slamming behind him. Hawke winced.

"I should go talk to him," she mumbled as she climbed off the sofa, the warm aftermath of their lovemaking completely gone now. She couldn't leave it like this, she had to talk to Sebastian, but Anders grabbed her wrist gently and pulled her into his lap where he had seated himself.

"Let him go," he murmured against her neck.

"But Anders..."

"He needs time, Hawke. This couldn't have been easy to walk in on..." Anders cupped her face in his hands and kissed her softly. "I know what it is to see the one you love with another man...give him time."

She wanted to argue, but she knew he spoke the truth. With a soft sigh, she nodded and allowed herself to lay her head on his shoulder. The guilt didn't ease, however.


End file.
